The Campaign in Review

Friends of Freedom,

The American Presidential election of 2008 will surely be judged America’s greatest moment by future historians. Because it was during this election that all Americans - from Joe the Plumber to Warren Buffet to George Takei - stood shoulder to shoulder and cast their ballot for Hope…

For Change…

For Balls.

The events of the Shatner-Hasselhoff campaign are legend.  The thrilling subjugation of Kim Jong Il, the revolutionary Knight Industries Number Two toilet, the triumphant victory - it’s all here.

It is our hope that this book reminds future generations of the time when the American people decided to elect two leaders “From Yesterday’s Tomorrow, For a Better Today!”

Fire all weapons, and God Bless America.

America craves strong, masculine leadership. William Shatner and David Hasselhoff (circa 1984) are the lovers our great democracy needs.

American students will be required to wear the color shirts that grant the wearer the skills our society requires.

NE YORK CITY (AP) - Presidential hopeful William Shatner revealed his plan to solve America’s declining school system on Monday’s episode of Larry King Live.

Making pointed allusion to his military service by stabbing his Starfleet pin repeatedly with his finger, Shatner told Mr. King that whenever he was faced with a technical or scientific dilemma,“I’d just look around for a guy in a blue shirt, and he’d give me the right answer.  For years I thought that worked because he’d worked hard and excelled technically, and so eventually he got to wear the blue science shirt. But as it turns out it was the blue shirt that made the guy good at science in the first place. It works because the color inflection point..” at which point Shatner’s voice quickly dropped as he mumbled the explanation for this groundbreaking discovery into his coffee mug.

The insight that shirt color creates rather than reflects academic talent has taken the public education world by storm. Janet Neeming, director of the New York Teacher’s Union, embraced Shatner’s colored-shirt classification system on C-Span: “Now all we have to do is decide how many science kids, how many security people, and how many commanders we actually need in society, and just dress them for the part. This is better than fuzzy math!”

NEA President Jason Oxface concurred. “It’s not all that different from what we do now, imposing societal quotas for different levels of success on children with an arbitrary classification system appropriate to the social and academic requirements of another age.  Except this time that age is the future!”

The Knight Industries Number Two (KINT), the most advanced toilet in the world.

Toldeo (OH) - Devlin Miles of the Knight Foundation today announced that Joe the Plumber (aka Joe Wurzelbacher), the man made famous by John McCain and Barack Obama during their last debate, will have his chance at running a business after all.

“In fact I’d say its rather a delightful opportunity for Joseph,” Mr Miles told reporters this morning via video conference from the Hasselhoff (circa 1984) Mobile Campaign Headquarters, “as he’ll be bringing the most advanced, microprocessor-controlled toilets ever created to the global market. We have every confidence that he will earn millions for himself while creating American jobs at home and immaculate rear ends the world over.”

Mr Wurzelbacher enthused, “I am grateful to the Knight Foundation for their trust in me, and I cannot wait to revolutionize the business of taking a shit.  I’ve been fighting fecal crust for decades, and the KINT is a septic weapon decades ahead of anything we’ve seen before.”

The new toilets feature artificially-intelligent DingleGon(TM) technology, advanced wiping features, seat warmer, and an optional cup holder.

Skeptics point out that Japanese toilet technology dominance will not be easy to overcome, and that KINT’s effeminate computerized voice is, according to one early user, “deeply disturbing when you’re in that position.”

Night Rocker Album Sales vs Value of U.S. Dollar

Following on the heels of yesterday’s stunning events at the Federal Reserve, Vice Presidential hopeful David Hasselhoff (circa 1984) today announced a bold new plan to ensure the health of the U.S. economy in perpetuity: backing the value of American currency with sales of his debut 1985 album “Night Rocker’”.

“I’ve been working on this album on all the long rides on lonely roads. Just thinkin’ and dreamin’ and hoping for an opportunity to do some real good for this world. And now here’s my chance!” Hasselhoff told reporters while standing on top of KITT in a sleeveless leather ensemble, before pumping his fist in the air to the deafening wail of a guitar solo and synthesized drums.

“Since the power of this rocking is so undeniable - so full of good vibes and happy energy - well, we’re very excited to try it out,” said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson in a briefing.

Noted Philanthropist Warren Buffet added on Meet the Press, “It’s certainly something we hadn’t thought of before. What the Hell.”

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, reading to a rapt congress from the children’s book “Chicken Little”, moments before he heard the news.

WASHINGTON DC (AP) - A Global Economic Recession was averted today when Presidential hopeful William Shatner announced that he had  singlehandedly replicated the 700 billion dollars that the U.S. Treasury was trying to get from congress in order to halt a looming financial meltdown.

“This is way easier than bribing congressman,” noted the CEO of WaMu, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced in a statement that, “making money out of thin air with no regard for its underlying value is something we at the Fed have been doing for decades, but to have it done so quickly, and have it appear, in a sparkly magic light show like that, is really great.”  Paulson then added, “I’m so glad someone else knew what to do.”

The seemingly instant appearance of the money into the Fed’s underground vaults from classified sources, has renewed a debate in the media around the executive abuse of futuristic technology.  NPR commentators have called for an investigation into the events, and have questioned why the technology has not been used to address the global food shortage.  FOX News commentators, in response, have thrown a keg party with strippers, and not invited NPR.

Canadian dignitaries unveil the new state flag of Canada

Montreal, QUEBEC - The entire population of Canada (a small country located north of Chicago) has spontaneously annexed themselves to the United States in order to allow William Shatner, a Canadian-born citizen, to run for the American Presidency.  The requirement that an American President must be native-born, apparently overlooked until recently, is now no longer an obstacle to Shatner’s ascendency.

“We saw zat ‘ere iz a chance for Canada to finally become relevant in world events,” announced some Canadian President or something, “And now we can proudly say zat we are Americaans!  Vive Shatnere!”

Upon hearing the news, Presidential hopeful William Shatner said, “well how.. nice.  Saves me a bit of effort.  Nothing I… couldn’t have handled myself, of course.”

The additional offer from the Quebecois of a cadre of undertalented state-funded performance artists to help promote the campaign was politely, yet firmly, refused.

Garthe Knight, Bristol Pain, and mother Sarah Palin, moments before the latter killed, cooked, and served the photographer as chili at a church potluck dinner.

Wasilla, ALASKA (AP) - Garthe Knight, arch nemesis to David Hasselhoff (circa 1984) and driver of the dreaded Goliath, confirmed he is the real father of Bristol Palin’s baby today, after a secret paternity test was leaked to local media.

Responding to reporters questions outside the Wasilla Bible Church, Garthe admitted the sinful act, but emphasized that, “I’ve changed so much since then, praise Jesus.”

Garthe left the Hasselhoff (circa 1984) Mobile Campaign Headquarters several months ago, amid a cloud of controversy and bong smoke, and headed to Alaska to, “find himself,” according to KITT mechanic Bonnie Barstow.

Upon his arrival, Garthe seduced and bedded the daughter of Alaska Governor and Antichrist Sarah Palin, reportedly promising the sexually ignorant girl that that prayer could prevent pregnancy.

“But I thank the Lord every day that she didn’t pray well enough,” quipped Knight, “because God has blessed me with the child.. this child of power.. through which I shall have my REVENGE!  God willing.”

Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, overcome by Garthe’s perfect hair and righteous passion,  reportedly then had an Earth-shattering orgasm, further enhancing her appeal among Christian voters.

David Hasselhoff (circa 1984) and KITT Scare Russians out of Georgia

GEORGIA, USA (AP) - Responding to news reports that Russian troops had invaded Georgia, Vice-Presidential hopeful David Hasselhoff (circa 1984) put KITT into hyper-pursuit mode and raced to repel the invaders. Upon their arrival, however, the crime-fighting duo discovered that, aside from the occasional Waffle House waitress, there were no Russians to be found.

“They must’ve heard we were coming,” noted Mr Hasselhoff, “because there’s no tanks with big red stars here at all. Way to go buddy!”

Presidential hopeful William Shatner, responding to journalists who pointed out that the Georgia being invaded was a little further east, replied, “let him have his fun.”